


First Contact: The Final Frontier

by dreamsaremadeofthis



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Post Star Trek: Final Frontier, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-10-05 19:38:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17331131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamsaremadeofthis/pseuds/dreamsaremadeofthis
Summary: Immediately follows Star Trek V: The Final Frontier.Jim and Spock are no longer on the Bird-of-Prey bridge. Will Spock still reject Jim's display of affection for saving his life?“Spock, forgive me. Look, I would never do anything to lose your friendship. I just…”“I have been, and shall always be, your friend. It was my final vow of eternal devotion to you in the moment of my death. How could you question the sincerity of my commitment to you?" Spock’s gaze was true and deserved nothing less than Jim's absolute honesty.





	1. Not A Klingon In Sight

**Author's Note:**

  * For [IvanW](https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/gifts).



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“Please Captain. Not in front of the Klingons.”

The amusement in Spock’s eyes as he rebuffed Jim’s embrace captivated former Admiral (now happily demoted to Captain) James T. Kirk’s heart.

He and Spock shimmered from the Klingon warship, delivered seconds later to the Enterprise transporter pads. Commending the crew for another successful retrieval, the Captain and his acting First Officer entered the lift, Spock at Kirk’s side, as always.

The doors whooshed closed, and Kirk twisted the control handle, calling out “Bridge.”

After a few seconds, without warning Jim returned the control to stop position, long before reaching their destination. He turned and looked nervously up into Spock’s face, and reminding Spock of his previous admonition, Kirk quipped, “Well, Mr. Spock. There are no Klingons anywhere in sight now.”

Cheeks slightly greening, the Vulcan clasped his hands behind his back, cocking his head as one eyebrow lifted in classic Spock style, and nodding in agreement he replied simply, “Affirmative, Captain.”

Jim reached to tap the door controls display. With an unexpected brusqueness of authority, Kirk commanded, “Computer,  Captain’s override alpha one seven seven. Disengage all video, audio and holo monitoring inside Lift 7 until further notice. Door locked.” The computer chirped, “Confirmed.”

Jim turned back to the predictably quizzical look on Spock’s face, as his own heart pounded with adrenaline. He had never been this close to giving in, against all better judgment, and telling Spock the truth.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was my very first fanfic, previously posted under a different pseud and later deleted. This is the one Spirk story I have had in me for over 28 years, refined on paper over time. I've been in love with these guys for over 5 decades. They may actually have saved my life way back then, when this teenage girl found them in 1966. And I've never been the same.
> 
> My appreciation to IvanW who previously inspired and advised. All mistakes are my own. Because trust me, if there were anyone else I could get away with blaming, I would!


	2. The Captain Makes a Pact

Mere minutes ago down on the god planet after the malevolent entity that killed Sybok, Spock’s half-brother, bore down on Kirk while roaring its intent to end him next, the Klingon Bird-Of-Prey suddenly appeared over the hill, shooting energy pulses into the monster, giving it barely time to gasp one last horrifying wail before being vaporized out of existence.

Even so, as Kirk gazed at the fearsome warship, he knew his life was still just as over, only now by different means. He watched as the ship’s cannon rotated, acquiring his body as its new target.

Everyone wonders what their final minutes will be like—how they will die. And now Kirk was provided his personalized answer. The Bird-of-Prey would finish the job the entity left incomplete. Kirk had no way to fight, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

In the face of his own impending death, Kirk shifted into academic mode, actually finding it “fascinating” (as Spock would certainly say) that his life was decidedly _not_ passing before his eyes, as he’d always heard happens to Humans at the end.

To the contrary, the only thing that forced itself into Kirk’s mind was one piercing condemnation:

C O W A R D.

That one word punched Kirk in the gut at the revelation he would be dying, having lived his final years as that one thing he hated most.

In a life of actions good and bad, noble or defeated, commended or sanctioned, this final judgment would brand him for eternity.

And then, part of his life _did_ pass before his eyes: the face of Spock. The many subtle expressions of his beautiful face.

The hundreds of times Kirk had turned in his chair to watch his First Officer enter the Bridge. How ridiculous that every time Spock entered a room, it made the Enterprise Captain’s stomach flutter like a little kid with their first crush. The most decorated heroic Captain of the Flagship of Starfleet, brought down at the end by the fact he had been too chicken shit to admit to his Vulcan best friend and First Officer that he somehow had fallen deeply in love with him.

 Jim chuckled at how absurd it all was. For most of his life, Jim basked in his well-hewn reputation as the tomcat with a woman in every spaceport. He had never been drawn to a man, never aroused or touched by any male in his entire life. He had been drawn to and intimate only with females. Hell, lots of females, all over the galaxy.

So it had taken years for Kirk to even recognize that the affectations he experienced around Spock were those he never before realized he had the capacity to feel.

At first, the Captain could ignore the completely foreign stirrings, considering them just normal “band of brothers” bonds that military members feel toward their “family in the trenches,” as they faced and overcame life-threatening situations.

But if that were so, why didn’t Jim feel those same stirrings for any of his other male Starfleet friends? They had all experienced the same battles, the same trenches.

The stirrings didn’t go away, either. In fact, in spite of Jim’s attempts at self-control, they grew ever stronger. Being in Spock’s presence anywhere—on the Bridge, a landing party, in the mess hall, the gym, or in the Captain’s quarters for a game of chess—caused a mental and physical response he could no longer ignore, nor apparently fight.

And then the inevitable had happened.

One morning, as the Captain turned to watch Spock enter the Bridge for his shift, Kirk was caught off guard by a sudden tremor of lust and arousal, tingling through his body and settling warmly in his groin, resulting in a very visible reaction. Unprepared for that effect, the Captain quickly spun his chair back facing the forward display screen, while grabbing a PADD to conceal his lap from any crew member who might catch a glimpse of his indiscreet surprise bulge.

The next time it occurred was when he and Spock were on their way to Sickbay for Dr. McCoy’s update regarding delivery of critically-needed medicines to fight an outbreak of Derelian Flu on the planet they now orbited. Just he and Spock on the lift alone. Without warning, heat spread through Kirk’s abdomen, numerous unbidden nasty images of ravaging Spock's body invading his thoughts, again with the same result. Thank God Spock had turned away from him, totally absorbed with his report, saving Kirk from betrayal by his sudden exhibition. And Jim just hoped no one would ever have cause to review the lift camera's recordings of _those_ minutes.

How many times after that had Jim had to hide his body’s responses from Spock? It wasn’t like the Captain could prevent being alone with Spock in the course of their jobs. Even the attempt to shirk being alone with Spock might raise suspicion, because it was within their normal work routine.

Kirk was clueless. How did it happen that Jim found himself aroused almost every time he was near Spock? Hell, it had become so strong that now all Jim had to do was think of Spock and electricity shot through him with instant, conspicuous results.

And was Jim thinking of Spock with increasing frequency. _Really_ increasing.

Jim had so many memories of brushing against Spock’s shoulder or hand, or Spock grabbing Jim as he covered his Captain’s body to protect him from attack, same as Jim had done countless times for his First Officer. And Jim would never forget a second of how Spock's body felt against his as they rolled in the glittery sands of Vulcan years ago, when Spock's blood burned in plak tow.

But even after that, it wasn’t as though the clouds rolled away and the truth shone down on Kirk. It had been a little over two years since Jim realized the _important_ changes that were happening in his heart. His deep friendship with Spock had evolved into genuine affection. And then not just affection—Jim had developed some sort of connection with Spock.

Kirk finally reached the point he could no longer deny it to himself. For the first time in his life, he was experiencing a true, life-changing love. He, Kirk, the tomcat lover of females everywhere, had fallen inarguably in love with his First Officer. As though he had been blind all his life, Jim now realized this was the love he had always really wanted.

And it mattered not whether Spock was male or not, or whether he himself was male. Jim was deeply in love with the entirety of the being Spock was, and anatomy had nothing to do with that love. Sure, Jim looked forward to that coming into play were he ever allowed to express his love.

But then again, it was only Jim’s love. He had never observed any indication his best friend returned his affection in the slightest—or even had the capacity to do so.

One morning, when he and Spock were headed to the gym, discussing the recent upgrade to the warp condensers, Jim absent-mindedly glimpsed his own reflection in a mirror they were passing and was completely caught off guard by what he saw: his eyes were glistening, sparkling with life, looking into Spock’s face in a way that could only be described as…love struck.

Kirk turned his reddening face away from Spock, faked a sudden bout of coughing, and encouraged Spock to go on ahead without him.

Jim rushed back to his cabin with that mental image burned into his mind. It was more than merely lustful, more than flirty, and for damned sure, it wasn’t trivial.

Kirk had to think on this. What does this mean…for now and for the future? He closed his eyes and drifted on waves of warmth, longing…desiring the Vulcan. It was formidable how strong these feelings had grown. Jim was facing a wall he couldn’t breach until he settled this with Spock.

If Jim always looked at Spock like that, God, everyone must know! Except Spock himself, of course. If Jim’s desire was always that obvious, apparently Spock had logically ignored or rationalized away any concern. Spock was neither stupid nor oblivious. He just wouldn’t waste effort contemplating something he couldn’t imagine existed.

Jim knew Spock was the one person who could never accede even the concept of an emotional, romantic relationship with Jim—simply because it always appeared Spock couldn’t comprehend himself developing feelings like that for _anyone_.

Jim chuckled slightly. _Leave it to me to fall for the one person in the universe who could never love me back._

And worse, were Spock here, he could accurately predict the odds at 100%  against Jim ever feeling whole or normal again without being able to share the rest of his life with Spock.

The strangeness of finally feeling this kind of uncontrollable love...no, not uncontrollable. Jim’s feelings for Spock must _never_ spiral out of control, or there was a chance Jim’s life as he knew it would be over.

Kirk often observed how Spock reacted to Nurse Chapel’s obvious attraction to him. Spock always pulled back from her, never acknowledging her personally beyond her role as a medical officer. He was always cordial but highly professional, maintaining distance in dealing with her.

 _Oh my God! What if Spock started reacting to me like that?_   Their comfortable and comforting friendship might slam to a screeching halt. For sure, Jim wasn’t about to do anything that might result in that happening. He must never, ever tell Spock, not a hint.

Worse, if Spock found out, he might even lose respect for his superior officer. Or _worst_ , Spock might leave.

Leave! He might insist on an immediate transfer to another Starfleet post to literally put _space_ between them.

After all, Spock had earned his captaincy years ago, having relinquished command for the sole purpose of serving at Jim's side again. Starfleet would jump at the chance to put him at the helm of his own ship.

No, that would be unbearable. A life without Spock in it. A life without Spock’s respect and friendship. A life during which he never saw his First Officer again, never spoke with him, never could reach out to him, much less ever again experience the occasional stolen sparking touch.

No! He could not—would not let that happen. Jim must never do anything that would cause Spock to even suspect his Captain’s true emotions toward him.

Oh, shit! Kirk then remembered how Spock had melded with him before. That would make it even more difficult for Kirk to guard his thoughts from Spock.

He would have to control his passions and continue with Spock every day, every moment as he had for years. He couldn’t change anything in their outward interactions. He would have to continue their light banter, his teasing. But there could never again be a stolen glance, a touch that betrayed his true feelings, or Jim stood to lose everything. And by God, he would never gamble on the chance of losing Spock by trying to have more with him.

And most important, Jim must never meld with Spock again. Jim must sever and prevent further contact through the most meaningful connection he had ever experienced with another being.

James T. Kirk’s pact with himself, vowing to never tell Spock the truth of his love, was sealed.

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	3. Coward

So as Kirk stood facing the Klingon Bird-of-Prey, his own body now targeted as he breathed his last, this final verdict bore down on him hard, shaming him with regret. He would die here, Spock never realizing how cherished, how desired he had been by his captain, over the course of many years.

When Sybok had wanted to rip Jim’s memories and emotions from his mind, forcing Kirk to release his “pain,” Kirk fought vehemently against the pure-blood Vulcan's mental assault. If Sybok revealed that Kirk's pain was wrapped up in his unrequited love for Spock, that purge might only have been replaced by a new, darker emptiness Jim could never navigate: losing Spock's friendship forever.

At least now, Kirk would die with the assurance Spock would never hate him. Or the Vulcan equivalent of hate, anyway.

Suddenly, another scene in the captain’s life passed before him. Spock's death.

“Don’t grieve, Admiral.”

How could Spock ever say that to Jim as the Vulcan slumped, dying in the sealed anti-matter chamber, after the core spewed massive doses of deadly radiation straight into his face?

At that fatal moment, not Bones, not Scotty, not anyone could have held Jim back from tearing open the door to that chamber and rushing in to cradle Spock in his arms, to comfort him and tell him how much he loved him. Jim had been desperate to reach Spock and keep him from having to die alone.

No, the only thing that could hold Jim back was Scotty’s warning that if he did open the door between them, it would flood the entire compartment, fatally condemning his other crewmen, too.

Resigned that he had no choice, Jim pressed his body against the glass between them, sliding down as Spock collapsed and took his final breath.

How could Spock have thought it even possible for Kirk to not suffer and grieve the death of his best friend—the best part of him, the Enterprise’s dearest blood? And even now, as their roles reversed and it was Kirk facing the end, the captain still grieved at the loss of his love forever.

Jim knew the Vulcan would observe his passing...logically. “Don’t you grieve now, Spock. My fate seals that you will never think of me as anything less than your best friend,” Jim whispered.

And then Kirk heard the shimmer of a transporter beam. Oh!

...Oh.

Jim stiffened his back as he realized the Klingons were not going to kill him outright. There would be more to this death, most likely torture, or else they would have simply dropped the Captain where he stood.

"So it's me you want, you Klingon bastards. What are you waiting for?" Kirk taunted. He'd actually rather feel their attack than the emotions drenching him these last seconds. The physical pain might dull him to his bitter, self-imposed hell.

Jim rematerialized on the Bird-of-Prey’s transporter pad, where he was met by Klingon guards who merely escorted him to the warship’s Bridge and its captain. Jim was stunned there were no weapons drawn on him, nor was he being pummeled by fists or pain sticks, as he had fully expected upon his arrival. What was this?

The Klingon captain merely waved his hand toward the ship’s captain’s chair, presenting his “new gunner.” As Jim stared, the chair slowly spun to face him and…

“SPOCK!!” Jim whispered in awe. What? How? WHAT??

Spock rose, tugging down his uniform jacket, then clasping his hands behind his back, looking very pleased that his Captain stood before him, alive.

“Welcome aboard, Captain,” Spock announced.

Dizziness gripped Jim, tears sparkling in his eyes, as pure joy coursed through his body. Could this be real?

Staring, Jim moved inches away from Spock and looked up into his face.  “I….thought I was going to die.”

“Not possible. You were never alone.”

Jim’s breath was stolen as he beheld the beautiful face, the most beautiful eyes he'd ever seen. It took every ounce of human strength Jim had to not reach up and kiss Spock, and the Universe be damned. He caressed Spock’s upper arms and drew closer, to embrace his friend—his love.

The battle in Jim’s spirit was settled by Spock, who gently chided, “Please, Captain. Not in front of the Klingons.”

Kirk glanced briefly behind him at the warriors, but quickly turned back, only having eyes for Spock. Realizing Spock was actually teasing him, Jim’s body tingled in response as he complied.

Jim thought his heart would burst in that moment. He had never felt such powerful love for anyone in his entire life.

But then just as suddenly, the reality of Jim’s raw emotions shocked him back into the moment, realizing the possibility Spock could see or at least strongly sense the unbridled passion pouring off of his captain.

And once more, Jim saw emblazoned in the space between them: C O W A R D.

The word shook Jim so fiercely that Spock could not help but telepathically receive the merciless impression from Jim’s mind and how it was tormenting his Captain.

Kirk strained, determined to shield Spock from his traitorous thoughts, having already embarrassed Spock with his practically unfettered display of affection.  But Jim damned sure had no intention of confessing his true feelings for Spock on board a Klingon warship.

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	4. A Warm Bulkhead

And now, after returning to the Enterprise, Jim stood beside Spock in Lift 7, as it held suspended at dead stop, locked against any intrusion from other crewmembers.

Jim’s heart pounded so hard his vision fogged, spots pulsing with each beat. Here it was. This moment of truth, the revelation that threatened the loss of Spock and his friendship forever.

Spock, caught off guard as his captain had never stopped and locked their lift before, asked, “Captain, is something wrong?” Spock’s rich gravelly voice resonated in his Jim’s ears. “Were you injured on the planet somehow I do not know about?”

“Oh, no…no, Spock, I’m ok. I just…I just was forced to confront some powerful truths down there.” Jim sought stalling comfort for a few seconds by studying the toe of his boots. After a few deep breaths, he looked back up and continued, “Thank you, Spock, for saving my life…again. For the umpteenth time.”

Striving to provide his captain with the latest data, Spock interrupted, “Jim, I have now saved your life exactly…”

“Spock!" Jim cut him off. "Please don’t give me the numbers. This is hard enough as it is.”

“What is hard, Captain?”

Jim turned away as a wave of lust trembled through his body at Spock's innocent words.  _Oh, Spock, you have no idea what’s hard. What’s been hard for years. You want numbers? You want to count how many times on the Bridge, in a damned lift with you, lying alone in my bed, thinking of you? I lost count years ago._

Turning back to face him, Jim struggled to shake those thoughts for now. “Spock, when I saw you on the Klingon bridge, I was overcome with surprise at seeing you, realizing that once again somehow you had worked your Vulcan magic to pluck me from the clutches of certain death. I apologize for causing you embarrassment by my emotional display without even considering how that might affect you in the Klingons’ presence.”

“No apology necessary, Captain. Under normal circumstances, I would not have hesitated at your actions. Embarrassment is a human emotion. It is only logical that we express relief at your survival. As you see, being around humans for so long has rubbed off on me.”

Jim groaned silently, closing his eyes as he fought off the sensual picture Spock's words unintentionally evoked. That was not how Jim wanted Spock to find out about his feelings for him. Not the lust first.

“Jim, you are acting strangely agitated. I cannot imagine you would lock down the lift's functions unless something highly classified was disturbing you.” Concern darkened Spock's deep brown eyes. "I am not aware of further orders from Starfleet. I had predicted your reaction to today's events and the saving of so many lives would be one of celebration. Your countenance appears...quite the opposite. If it is regarding my half-brother's death, I assure you, though I shall mourn his passing, I am in no way emotionally compromised or unable to perform my duties. My father will understand, also."

"No, Spock. It's not that. though I do grieve with you at the loss of your brother. But this is something entirely different. Something...personal between you and me." Jim took another deep breath. This was it. The moment that might change everything, one way or the other.

Drawing himself up to his full 5’10”, calling on every ounce of strength he could muster, Jim again looked up into the face of the amazing Vulcan and whispered...

“Shit.”

"Jim?"

"Sorry. Just....shit shit shit," a deflated Kirk mumbled, his voice low and resigned.

“Not exactly what I anticipated you would say, Captain.” Spock hiked his eyebrow, attempting to tease Jim and break the obvious tension, aware now that his best friend’s turmoil reached much deeper into his psyche than Spock previously calculated.

Propping his back against the safety rail, Kirk huffed out a frustrated sigh. “I still can’t do it, Spock. I’m a damned coward!”

Shaking his head at his own weakness, Jim turned to release the lift and continue on to the bridge. “I apologize, my friend. I’m just going to get a status report from Sulu and get us under way.”

“Captain….Jim…Wait." Spock now grabbed Jim's shoulders and turned him back to face him. "You are many things, a man of great passions—but one thing you are not and have never been is a coward. What would make you believe such a thing? What happened down on that planet?”

“Spock, nothing happened on the planet. It has nothing to do with that creature. It only has to do with what's happening inside me. It’s what I’ve done—no, it's what I _haven't_  done for …I don’t even know how long, Spock. But almost dying down there forced me to realize I have to deal with this...this thing that's tearing me up inside. And yet, here I stand, unable to.”

"Jim, I've never known you to be so guarded or uncertain; you are one of the bravest I have ever known. Perhaps it would be of benefit if I melded with you. If you are having trouble formulating your thoughts in this regard, the meld should facilitate my understanding.” Spock stepped forward a little further, reaching out his fingers toward Kirk’s face…

“Don’t!”

Kirk’s sudden bark was so unexpected, Spock quickly stepped back, again clasping his hands behind him. “My apologies, Captain. I was out of line.”

“No…no, of course you weren’t,” Kirk said much more gently. “No, I’m...I'm the one who’s sorry, Spock. Yes, God, yes—of course you melding with me would help. But again, that too would be the coward’s way out, now wouldn’t it? I don’t need you to read _my_ thoughts, Spock. I need to read _yours_ , no matter what they are.”

His captain’s erratic behavior puzzled Spock. Though humans were often unpredictable or illogical, Jim had proven to be one who, given enough time, would take Spock into his confidence and share what was bothering him.

This time though, Spock realized, involved something much more than simply being bothered.

“Just take your time, Jim. You have locked the lift. There is no pressure and no one to interrupt us.  I am here. Let me help.”

And as Spock’s kind, supportive words burst through Jim’s self-imposed barriers, Jim's raw emotions burned his eyes to tears. He ran his fingers through his hair, closing his eyes as he tried to decide the best way to say what must be said. But there just was no best way to tell his Vulcan best friend he'd fallen so deeply in love with him. _Dammit! Declaring one’s love isn't supposed to be like this!_

 _No, wait!_   Suddenly, Kirk was inspired with the answer. _Yes, that’s it!_

Spock's gaze never faltered, attempting to convey peace telepathically and allay his captain’s distress. Spock remained silent in uncertainty that any sound he would make could result in Jim bolting away and further shutting him out; he had not even been aware his captain was already doing that, apparently for some time.

Jim forced the tension in his face to loosen, and he effected his new plan, which was luckily set up perfectly, as Spock had returned to his former stance, hands clasped behind him.

Jim stepped toward Spock, grasping Spock’s upper arms, exactly as he did on the Bird-of-Prey bridge, and whispered, “Spock, I thought I was going to die.”

In sudden understanding, Spock answered his cue, “Not possible, Jim. You were never alone.”

Kirk, glancing from his own left hand to his right, lifted his head and looked up into Spock’s eyes, and without giving Spock time to realize what was happening, Jim reached up and firmly pressed his lips against Spock’s, channeling all those years of pent up desire and love through the electric sparks between them; soft but demanding, slowly and deep, making love to Spock's mouth.

But…nothing.

Jim had dreamed of kissing Spock for years. This was nothing like he pictured it. This was falling apart quickly.  Jim’s already fragile hope and bravado were withering...

It was like kissing a bulkhead, except Spock’s mouth was… warmer.

Spock didn't move…did not part his lips open, did not return Jim’s kiss. Didn't respond at all.

When Jim opened his eyes, he realized Spock had never closed his. In fact, Jim could read nothing but stoic questioning in Spock’s face, his eyes.

Kirk began feeling real panic in the pit of his stomach, as the earth saying went, like a panicked deer caught in lights. He pulled back from Spock’s mouth, short of breath, dazed and instantly nauseous that his worst fears were coming true. Hope…died.

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	5. Perhaps One No-Win Scenario

Spock’s knees definitely were not buckling.

But only because decades of strict mental control would never allow such. He'd had only the forethought that Jim might actually bear-hug him, thanking his friend for negotiating this diplomatic rescue on his behalf. And then, as regularly occurred at mission completion, Spock expected the command team would dismiss to the captain's quarters; Jim to a whiskey, Spock to his favorite spiced tea, and there engage in a challenging chess match to clear their minds before collaborating on final reports.

But the First Officer was absolutely _not_  prepared for his captain's deeply intimate advance upon his person, with absolutely no forewarning of the coming fire that flashed throughout his body. In fact, with no previous indications, Spock would have estimated the odds of Jim kissing him at this moment to be exactly zero chances in none.

After all, over the course of two decades during which Spock had served and fallen in love with James Tiberius Kirk, Jim had only shown propensity for liaisons with female beings, as far as Spock had ever observed, and those most often during their first five-year mission; even then, nothing long-term, as Vulcans would measure. During the ensuing years, there was no question Jim drastically curtailed those kinds of activities, for reasons to which Spock was not privy. That did not in any way, however, lead Spock to speculate on the chances Jim would be open to a romantic relationship with him.

Because of unknown variables regarding Jim's sexual preferences, Spock had never even allowed himself indulgence in fantasized intimacy with his superior officer. It would be...illogical and inappropriate to engage in desiring that which was hopelessly unattainable.

Such lack of forethought brought Spock to this moment, when he found himself practically paralyzed.

Not by fear for himself. He would never fear anywhere his captain led him, including to this much more personal touching. However, Spock had struggled all this time to shield his heart and thoughts from Kirk in protection of their friendship; a priceless treasure for the Vulcan who had not known true friendship for his entire 35 years of life before this amazing and brilliant man entered it.

And now, at such a crucial juncture in their relationship, Spock found himself able only to gaze at the closed eyes of this kindest, most beautiful being he had ever met. 

He badly needed meditation, to contemplate exactly what Jim meant by this human kiss. His stoic emotional hold was quickly disintegrating under the effect of sensory overload.

The impossible was happening. White-hot sparks swirled through Spock's orderly mind as waves of unbridled love for his captain threatened to crash and topple him. And yet, he could not move. He suddenly realized it was more than that. He  _must_ not move.

To move at all in this moment meant giving in to the destruction of a lifetime of emotional barriers, as everything within him demanded he seize Jim's mind and body, allowing  _nothing_  to stand between them.

Surely Jim’s simple kiss of gratitude did not mean Jim would accept Spock shredding the uniform from his body and claiming every inch of his captain for himself, as Spock now found himself burning to do.

This explosion of need, this demanding drive, was unknown outside of his time; but as his next Pon Farr was still two point three years in the future, Spock had no understanding why urgency ravaged him right now.

So in this moment, Spock realized his greatest fear was of injuring Jim because of his own blind lack of control. To ensure the captain’s safety from his overwhelming desire for everything, Spock chose…nothing.

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Jim refused to look away from Spock’s eyes now, no matter what he saw there. He knew he had messed up irreparably. This was the worst possible outcome to his reckless gamble.

Now certain there would never be another moment like this, standing close enough to Spock to memorize every fleck of gold in his beautiful brown eyes, Jim wasn't about to waste a second of it. Even though Spock obviously did not return his deep affection, at least Spock hadn’t turned away or worse, pushed Jim away. This might be all Jim would ever have of Spock’s face, and he wanted to remember every nuance there before he reactivated the lift and escaped to his cabin, to drown in a bottle of scotch. Several bottles of scotch.

Kirk was devastated by the emotions roiling inside him. He was crushed, bone-deep; gripped by heartache he’d never felt in his life. He wasn’t a coward now—at least there was that. But that was small victory in the face of losing his best friend. The love of a lifetime.

Jim wasn't even aware of the tears running down his cheeks.

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Spock had seldom seen his heroic, courageous captain actually cry.

 _What do I do? I am hurting Jim. But if I move, I cannot be certain I will not injure him._ _Want… pain…need_. 

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Jim saw that even Spock's eyes began to glisten with unshed tears. Of course, he blamed only himself.

_Oh my God, what have I done?_

“Spock.”   
  
_God, Spock’s name feels so good in my mouth. Enjoy it now, Jim—soon you’ll only get to speak his name into the darkness of your empty bed for the rest of your life._

“Spock—I never wanted to do anything that would cause you pain or even regret. You’ve controlled your emotions so tightly all these years. I can’t stand that when you finally release control like this, it’s because I’ve offended you gravely,” Jim whispered in shame.

Jim was so exhausted from years of fighting this battle in his heart that he began to quake, those few tears quickly escalating into weeping. He was wilting from the pain, the rejection, the death of hope, the heartache, regret, embarrassment…the dreaded loss of his best friend. Spock’s eyes were becoming heavier with tears also, and Jim could no longer bear what he saw there; the pain he had obviously caused the Vulcan’s emotions.

Without a word, Jim turned away from Spock, again grabbing the lift handle and ordering it to take them to officer quarters deck, where he would slink away and figure out how to never have to face Spock again.  For the first time in his life, Jim admitted defeat. It was impossible now to cheat his way out of the death of their friendship. It was over.

“No! No, Jim. Stop. Please........STOP!!”

Jim jumped, startled at Spock’s reaction, and released the controls just as Spock reached out and put his hand on top of Jim’s. Jim just looked at his hand and then up into Spock's face.

“Spock...please forgive me. Look, I’m so sorry. I would never do anything to lose your friendship. I just…I…”

Spock appeared dumbfounded. “Jim. I have been, and shall always be, your friend. It was my final vow of eternal devotion to you in the moment of my death. How could you ever question my sincerity and commitment to you?

“But now, after all these years, you kiss me. Why, Jim? I must know _exactly_ what declaration, if any, you make now by kissing me. It is of paramount importance there be no ambiguity in your words.”

Spock’s gaze was true and demanded nothing less than absolute honesty.

“Alright," Jim steeled his posture. "I am so in love with you, there are times I can hardly breathe. You are in every beat of my heart. You are the blood that flows through me. You are the star I want to set my course by. You are…everything.”

The two men stood transfixed as time stood still for them, staring into each other’s eyes.

Suddenly aware of a hot, searing energy at the point their hands met, Spock jerked his own away as though burned. Staring at the smoldering green marks on his palm, Spock gasped, “Jim, you must take us directly to your quarters immediately. Do not touch me. Do not ask anything. Go now!”

Of course, Jim did as Spock commanded. His entire future depended on the next few moments.

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	6. The Captain Makes A New Pact

When the lift opened outside his quarters, Jim mindlessly grabbed Spock's wrist as he had dozens of times before, though this time with the intent of leading him into the senior officer's cabin.

"Captain!" Spock snarled, spinning Jim against the corridor wall, leaning in closely and scenting up and down each side of Jim's face. "You must not touch me yet!"

"Spock. Let go! That's an order!" Kirk mirrored the snarl in hopes Spock would obey instinctively, allowing Jim time to move them into privacy before any unsuspecting crewmember could happen by and catch their indiscretion.

Wrenching out of Spock's grip, Jim rushed across the corridor to enter his security code, this time fully convinced not to touch his first officer's skin. Spock closely followed, and the second the entryway whooshed shut behind them, Spock pulled Jim tightly into his arms. Abandoning all restraints the stoic Vulcan had fought valiantly to maintain for years, he plunged his mouth onto Jim’s, who breathlessly opened to receive Spock’s very demanding human kiss.

Jim, no longer worried about his first officer's lack of response, devoured Spock’s mouth, exactly as he had ached to do on the Klingon bridge only minutes earlier. Spock, alive with newly unleashed desire, pulled Jim's entire body into him, both men writhing deeply against each other, years of aching need finally reaching home.

After leaning his face back to catch his breath, Jim brushed a much lighter kiss on Spock’s lips, feeling Spock’s breath, erratic and ragged as his own.

Kirk reached higher to Spock's hair, pulling the taller Vulcan's face lower so he could nip at each of those enticing eyebrows which had both captivated and amused Jim from the very first time he met the gorgeous alien, as Spock's hunger flared at the scents and taste of his captain's neck.

Jim fingered slowly down Spock’s arms and wrists, curling under to stroke along his index and middle fingers. Breaking eye contact briefly, Jim looked down at Spock’s hands—his long, lithe fingers that were nothing short of sculpted beauty. Then, bringing Spock’s palms close, taking care to avoid hurting the green streaks, Jim lifted Spock’s fingers to his own mouth, kissing and gently licking them, sliding them across his swollen lips. The Vulcan shuddered and keened at the feeling of Jim’s tongue on his fingers, Jim forming each of Spock's hands into the ozh'esta; drawing both Vulcan kisses into his mouth together, sucking them gently at first but with increasing intensity.

Spock’s eyes rolled upward and his body began to rock stronger against Jim as his captain sucked harder and harder and deeper, stroking Spock’s four joined fingers in and out of his mouth, licking across the tips with each imagined stroke. Deep guttural, almost feral moans escaped Spock's throat, his hardness rubbing even more powerfully against Jim's, as his body tightened and pulsed, his wet warmth spreading between them. Spock could only hold on to Kirk’s chest for balance, as his orgasm racked through him on waves of bliss, no longer denied. 

As Kirk wrapped his arms as closely around his love as possible, Spock reached up and breathed in his captain's ear, "I did not know...that was possible. How did you?"

Nuzzling Spock's cheek, Kirk murmured, "As I said, I've been in love with you for a long time. I've imagined scenarios like this over and over through the years, after I learned how touch sensitive your hands are; wondering how you would respond. Truth is, I  _didn't_  really know for sure it would work. I just...hoped. Hoped you'd enjoy it. I'm...most pleased to discover it gratifies you so, Mr. Spock."

"I do not know that it would be successful with anyone else. But then, it only matters now with you." 

Beginning to breathe more normally again, Spock finally admitted, both to himself and to the man he somehow could not draw close enough to, "I believe it is I who owe you the apology. Perhaps I am the one who has actually been the coward. Vulcans are known for our honesty; yet, by my lack of candor, you have yearned for years needlessly. Had I informed you of the truth years ago, we would not have wasted so much time when we could have been sharing our passion."

"Speaking of wasted time, Mr. Spock. As a matter of record, you... _still_  haven't informed me of your truth. Implied, perhaps. But I find myself also needing less ambiguity in  _your_  declaration...if you...have one to make, before we take matters further.”

"Very well." Spock released Jim from his arms, and walking toward the captain's bed, motioned for Jim to join him. 

As the captain sat down beside Spock, the Vulcan continued. "As I was dying in the anti-matter chamber, my eyes had ceased to function. But I could sense you were suddenly there. I could hear your brokenness as you spoke to me. I wanted to declare my love for you right then before I died, but it seemed cruel, having never hinted at harboring those emotions before.

"Rather than leave you with the depth of my regard at such time as it could never be fulfilled, and in uncertainty whether such a revelation might offend, I chose rather to declare my devotion and loyalty to you as your friend. 

"Many beings share their bodies, often to no lasting effect. But in my lifetime, I had never had such a friend as you. Making love with you would have been an honor, one in which I knew I would have experienced profound fulfillment. But sharing that act is only a small part of one's existence.

"Sharing a true friendship; one that is faithful...and trustworthy. That is a state of being one carries within them every minute of each day, as I have carried within me since our very first chess game in the recreation room. I discovered that day in you, my new commanding officer, something strong and dependable. Something that transcended even the most powerful experience I had known before. You offered me a gift more prized than any physical joining could provide: you offered me acceptance. Genuine, unqualified, unquestioning acceptance, as both Human and Vulcan. The power of sharing your spirit and your dynamic, brilliant mind, as you lead us through the challenges of our explorations. A friendship unwavering through all these years; one that has shaped and defined us both.

"How could I not fall deeply for this Human who gave such unconditional friendship...to this Vulcan who had known rejection and ostracism by so many who came before you. Everything I am, my very katra, belongs in its entirety—to you. You saw the green marks branded on my palm, you felt the current pass between us. Jim, this reveals everything. This confirms my suspicions that you are T'hy'la; a very rare and sacred relationship."

"T'hy'la. I've heard of this." Jim looked away, trying to recall learning about it sometime in the past. "It means....you and I...?"

"Yes. It means this... _this_ is where we are meant to be. At each other's side; unified by the most resolute bond possible between two beings."

"Spock, I've been aware for a long time there was a kind of...connection between us. This...this is what that was?"

"So it would appear. But I wish for you to know for certain, Captain. Though T'hy'la is of premiere importance to me...for us...it must not overshadow my one basic truth.

"James T. Kirk, I have been, and always shall be, in love with you. 

"And now, Captain, I believe it is my turn to express the depth of my regard, though I must first go for a moment to clean myself and prepare."

"Don't you dare, Spock," Jim chuckled softly. "You're not leaving this bed for days." And with that, Jim unraveled Spock's very soul with the most beautiful, peaceful smile of his life; and that was saying something, as the radiance of Jim’s smiles had always endangered the Vulcan’s heart. 

As the two men melded their bodies and minds into each other after years of hopeless longing, they each now freely worshiped and touched and tasted and explored, joining over and over as one.

And much later, their bodies expended, finally breathing gently into that most restful, exhausted sleep of happy, new lovers; as Jim slipped down into the quiet rest of Spock's embrace, the captain's heart made a new pact with himself: to spend his entire future, however long it should be, with this beautiful soul...this love of his life...his best friend.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cried.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading.  
> You bring me joy.


End file.
